WORDS are probably the most powerful tool we have in our armoury. Think of the old saying, that the pen is mightier than the sword. Why is that? This is because we know that words can make or break us. With physical wounds, we either die or recover. But with cruel verbal comments, we are left in a mental limbo. What do we do with cruel comments or jibes? Usually they stick to us, especially the derogatory ones. They are what change our behaviour. How many times have you loved an outfit until someone makes a nasty comment about it, and then we find ourselves hanging the said garment at the back of our wardrobe, never to be worn again. What makes social media so cruel? Celebrities are not being physically hurt online, but they are having abusive and hurtful words aimed at them. When we think of abuse, our minds usually conjure up images of physical injuries or sexual abuse. But what about verbal abuse? Words become like weapons of soul destruction whereby our whole identity is destroyed by negative comments! With every hurtful jibe, another piece of our soul is destroyed until we are unable to function at our best. Bullies may use physical violence to hurt their victims, but their words cause the most lasting damage. As a therapist, I know that emotional abuse is deemed to be the lesser of all evils, but it can be the hardest to treat. Most clients find it easy to acknowledge that sexual and physical abuse is wrong, but how do you make them see that words can be abusive? So when does a negative comment go from being fair comment to being abusive? One major tell would be if the words used were said with the intent of bringing you down, or used as a means to change your behaviour to suit the perpetrator. So next time your inner voice says something negative about you, ask yourself if that voice sounds like you, or is the voice someone else? Think back to how many times you have let someone else's words change you or your behaviour. What was their motive behind their words? Were they really trying to help you, or were they trying to demean you and make you feel insecure about yourself? We also need to consider the words we use when we are talking to people. Do we really need to put somebody else down to feel good about ourselves? If so, then we need to think of positive ways to make ourselves feel good. True personal happiness can never be gained at the expense of another. The power of emotional/psychological abuse is so great that it is the weapon of choice for narcissists. Narcissists love using words to control their victims because they realise just how difficult it is to hold them to account. If you try to call them out on a nasty comment, they will go to their next method of control - gaslighting. Tweaking your reality. They will convince you that you 'took it the wrong way' because you are 'too sensitive'. They may even convince you that the fact you thought the comment was so bad is evidence of your own warped mind. A normal person wouldn't have taken the comment the way you did. It is truly amazing just how many partners/children and friends or narcissists are 'too sensitive', and while it is true that narcissists love an empath, if a comment hurts or wounds you there is a reason for that - it was meant to. Narcissists save nice comments for themselves. Their words were meant to cut you to the quick so you start to doubt yourself. If a narcissist's self-image is challenged, they may fly into a narcissist rage and lash out physically. But this would never be their first choice. While they can't allow their mask of perfection to slip, they don't like to use physical abuse because it is easier for them to be held to account for violent behaviour. Physical violence leaves a trail of evidence, but words can be twisted. Unless you record the narcissist's words, how can you prove that is what they said about you? They will be so convincing when they deny it. Even you will begin to question whether or not you imagined it. This is exactly what they want - you to start to doubt yourself. Narcissists often say flattering comments about you to other people so that everyone thinks they love you and could never say the awful things you say they said about you. Each comment will chisel away at your confidence and self-worth until it is all eroded away and you are fully under their control. If you are not sure if you have a narcissist in your life then ask yourself whether there is anyone in your life with whom you cannot be yourself? The person who always makes you feel rubbish about yourself. The person who always think that they always know best. You can never say or do the right thing when you are with them, however you feel that you are lucky that they want to know you. If there is somebody in your life who is always putting you down with hurtful words then ask yourself why? Does this person always cause you more misery than happiness? If so, why do you continue to have a relationship with them? Can you leave the relationship? If you think you can change them or eventually please them, then you are wrong. Narcissists don't change and they don't seek help because in their eyes there is nothing wrong with them. You either stay and watch as you are gradually eroded away, piece by piece, or you find the courage to leave. Whilst leaving requires a huge amount of courage, it also offers the potential for happiness. But if you stay nothing will ever change.